Most of you have probably seen those funny emails with supposedly random photos taken of some ghastly looking people at Walmart. We’re not talking about women without makeup or men with beer bellies or any common, unflattering sights. We’re talking about hard core ocular assaults perpetrated by people who apparently are unaware of the invention of mirrors. I’m sure many of the photos are staged for the purpose of getting a laugh, but the Walmart that I frequent has some genuine specimens. The elderly, tattooed woman who assaulted my eyes yesterday is a prime example. When she came into my field of vision, I quickly averted my eyes for fear of blindness, but relief was cut short by a 400-pound Elvis, with bushy sideburns and a bejeweled shirt. To be fair, I think the guy was probably going to or coming from some kind of office party or something where he was hired to make everyone laugh, at least I hope that was the case. The rest of my shopping excursion was uneventful until I reached the checkout line. In the checkout line beside mine stood a tall man whose shiny, bald head was tattooed with flames shooting from his ears backward. He was a good looking man, dressed normally and with no other oddities to speak of, but those dang flames!!! What in tarnation is going on??!! These are unprovoked visual attacks, and they are increasing. I’m wondering if I should knock them or join them. I’ve always fancied spiking my hair and wearing a pair of Daisy Dukes, a tube top, and six-inch stilettos to Walmart. How about you?
In England, they call chips crisps, fries chips, and cookies biscuits. They spell many words differently than Americans do such as tyres, defence, colour, centre, and programme. They say aluminium (five syllables), and I say aluminum. A stove top is called a hob. I asked if the word hob stood for something, like Hot Oven Burners. I was looked at strangely, and frankly told, “It’s just called a hob.” Okay then, moving on…
They also don’t have many actual intersections on their roadways. They have roundabouts instead. Speaking of roads, theirs are WAY too skinny. Why do they not make the roads wide enough for two cars? Driving is like going through a gauntlet, very nerve racking, which is why I haven’t driven here yet. I witnessed my first incident of road rage here when a trucker yelled out his window, “Fu**ing wanker!” British charm at its finest. They have cool traffic lights that go from red to yellow to green, then from green to yellow to red. You get a warning that it’s about time to stop and one that it’s about time to go. Instead of Yield signs, theirs say Give Way.
Need I give any more proof that this 600 year hotel is very much like a carnival fun house? I give you the hallway:
I cannot stand fully upright in this hallway. Please don’t tell The Reverend, but that jackhammer toilet I told you about was hammering away yesterday morning whilst I was brushing my teeth. (No, I wasn’t brushing my teeth in the toilet. The hammering happens when the sink water runs too or for no reason at all.) I heard a plop and looked over to see that his hairbrush had taken a swan dive off the shelf and landed in the toilet. I retrieved it, rinsed it with hot water, and replaced it as if nothing was amiss. Luckily for him, it was not his toothbrush! All of my toiletries are kept far away from that beast of a commode! If you are so inclined, I have uploaded pics to my flickr page of things I’ve found interesting here. I have yet to add the pics of the interesting road signs which I find delightful. I’ll add more pics every couple of days or so. Here’s my flickr link: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jamiedawn/
Our first four nights in the UK were spent in a lovely apartment with high tech everything. I had to use a manual to learn how to work the stove. The refrig, dishwasher, and washer/dryer were hidden behind those lovely kitchen cabinets.
The shower was SO high tech, that after experiencing scalding of the flesh and uncontrollable water squirting in all directions all over the bathroom floor, The Reverend got online to look up the shower maker, then he drew a diagram for us to follow to reduce the frustration of showering. Here is the diagram:
We are currently staying in the worst hotel we have ever endured. It is over 600 years old and looks as if no renovations have taken place except in the downstairs restaurant and pub. This is very deceiving. When one decides to stay here, one knows not the hideousness of the upper floors, and the cost is more than the high tech apartment! Alas, we had no other choice, other than sleeping in the train station, since the other hotel in town was fully booked. How I long for the days of manuals and diagrams. Now, we have no in room phones or clocks, the toilets sound like jackhammers (and not just when flushed, but at unexpected times out of the blue as I found out the hard way upon my first sitting), the doorways are so low that The Reverend and Tater Tot’s foreheads have taken a beating, the bath towels are always damp (Do they NOT have an adequate dryer?!) and the worst thing of all is that ALL the floors tilt. When I say all, I mean ALL. Taylor put a water bottle against a wall, and the bottle rolled down to the bed. It’s like staying in some kind of carnival fun house. If you think I am exaggerating, just look at how much the floor lamp tilts.
If I sound like I’m complaining, I’m not. We’ve laughed our fool heads off, and all of this is making our trip memorable. The only thing terribly missing is that we don’t have our Courty Ree with us, since she is at school. I did one touristy thing so far: I toured St. Alban’s Cathedral. Taylor’s band, *Crown *Jewel *Defense, has kept us busy, and I will write more about *CJD in a later post. For now, I will leave you with an image from the glorious cathedral.
Last night, Courtney was snacking on some croutons whilst she and I chatted by phone. All of a sudden, she realized they were not ordinary, run of the mill croutons. No, she was feasting on the most amazing croutons ever made! Long after you and I have turned to dust, these indestructible croutons will remain. They are not ordinary croutons. Five hundred or even one thousand years from now, humans can open a bag of these croutons, made in our present day, and they will find them still crispy and delicious. If you don’t believe me, check out the expiration date on these extraordinary croutons:
My next post will be from London, England. We are incredibly blessed to be flying there tomorrow with Taylor’s band and joining them on tour. Very exciting!
It is with a heavy heart that JD announces that all resolutions have failed, with grave infractions occurring on Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year’s Eve. So after much deliberation, the decision has been made to go to war… on FAT! Just a few months ago, all was glorious, as JD had lost 22 pounds and stood proudly holding a Mission Accomplished sign, strutting her stuff. Because of a lack of refrigerator security and a dangerous Open Mouth Policy, half of the adipose tissue that was once lost has now been found. Dang it! Dag nabbit! Son of a Birch!!! JD has ordered troops from the Veggie and Fresh Fruit (Do Ask Do Tell) units, and they will see to it that this war is won. Operation Skinny Arse has commenced. General JD will have many important choices to make in the days and weeks ahead. Hoo-uhh!! If you’d like to join this war effort, feel free to grab a celery stick and let JD know how you’re doing.
If there’s one thing Jamie Dawn does well, it’s jaw flapping. Pick a random topic, and JD can talk your ear off about it, even if she has no idea what it actually is. ”Jaws” are chats, sound offs, etc. You get the gist. JD jaws about her family and about her life and anything else that tickles her fancy. If a reader does not enjoy lighthearted frivolity, then that reader should discontinue reading JD Jaws, since it may cause delight over stupid things. JD would not want to be responsible for making an unwilling sour puss crack a smile. So without further ado, JD Jaws has commenced. The best way to keep up with new jaw flaps is to sign up for Email Notifications over there to the right which will alert you each time JD Jaws anew.